You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
