i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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