thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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