Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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