I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
