Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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