According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just pee around me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
