I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
