you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
