While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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