Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Send help, water and tortillas.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
