so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
