when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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