I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
