I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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