hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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