I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
