i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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