he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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