A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
