how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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