i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
