my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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