I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
