so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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