Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
