Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
