3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
