i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
