My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Are we still banned from the library?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
