I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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