so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Help. Why am I so naked?
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