I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
