Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
me + whiskey = a bad person
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
