Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
