My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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