Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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