i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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