I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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