He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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