I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
