there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
