dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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