so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
