I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
