why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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