I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
