my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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