someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
