I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
