At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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