he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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