she was so not down for the gang bang
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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