never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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