eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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