Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
