yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You are a genius and a whore.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
